THETA DESK: an autonomous options desk on Alpaca. It doesn't predict prices — it prices the volatility risk premium and runs a two-sleeve book: theta-earning iron condors hedged by a convexity tail. Every order must survive a 17-gate risk wall, including a portfolio payoff simulator that reprices the whole book before each trade. Every decision lands in a hash-chained journal and replays bit-for-bit. Built by Qwertys with Claude + Featherless on Alpaca's Trading API, MCP server and CLI.